Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
