yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize