Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
