Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i used baking grease as lip gloss
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
