Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize