If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
