Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
