yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
