I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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