I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize