I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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