my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
