i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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