Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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