Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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