Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
