hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
