Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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