just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I look excited, but its just a facade.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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