Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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