Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
