just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
