ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
