i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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