did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
