Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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