i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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