he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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