for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
