I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
