I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
