I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
