There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize