he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
