i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
True strength comes from lack of pants
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
