I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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