Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
