Christians are straight up FREAKS
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
