my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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