dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize