Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
