Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
