Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize