Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
