theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
