ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
