when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
