I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
