Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Someone signed my nipple.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
