I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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