This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I could make wine with my vomit
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
