This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
