my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
