If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
