i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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