I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Of course I have a pirate flag
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
