I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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