Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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