Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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