I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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